The Reason for the Season

Once again, the holiday season is upon us. The sounds, ceremony, decorations and family intentions abound. It’s a wonderful season and I hope it is so for you and yours. Yet we all know this season can also bring troubled memories, the pain of loss, unmet needs and isolation. To complicate things even further, some of us feel both: the wonder of the season and the sorrow of the holidays.

Now some might be ready to stop reading at this point, as news of heavy hearts rains on the joyful holiday parade. I get that. But I encourage you to press on as an act of holiday giving!

You see, understanding the burden that others carry is, in itself, an act of immeasurable service and generosity. It’s a gift that fits the season and one that cannot be simply purchased or Amazoned to a friend, coworker, or passerby. It requires a human connection, a caring heart, and a willingness to embrace the messy stuff.

Some of us will have an empty chair at our table for the first time this year: someone far away, estranged, or no longer living. The holidays highlight our loved one’s absence and drive a stake through our heart. Or perhaps this season reflects the scarcity of goods at a time when others seem to be gifted with abundance. Others may not even recall a moment of holiday warmth in their life. Their seasonal experiences marred with trauma or neglect. The point is that this season can be both glorious and oppressive.

Support during the holiday season

For those who find the season glorious, let’s honor this abundance by welcoming others’ struggles. Let’s keep an eye and ear out for someone who could use the gift of listening, empathy and understanding. Know that a moment of understanding can stretch for days in the heart of the receiver.

And for those in need, know that you are not alone; it’s a tough time of year and it’s perfectly okay that you don’t relate to the “joyful chorus.” It’s okay to look for added support. In fact, it’s healthy to do so. And don’t forget that you can also be a gift of support to others: your story holds enormous value and may offer the human link needed to rescue someone from isolation.

Wherever you find yourself this holiday season, I encourage you to embrace both the celebrations and the needs around you. Be a gifter and re-gifter! Connecting with others helps us align with our values, our faith, our common ground, and the genuine connections that make this season a time to cherish.

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Boundaries During the Holidays

The topic of boundaries is ever so common in the field of mental health. If you have gone through therapy before, you have likely talked about this with your therapist at least once, if not 100 times. Maybe you’ve been able to end that difficult call with a family member using scripted words or told your boss you weren’t able to take on that additional project. However, we seem to make setting boundaries around the holidays a lot harder. Somehow, we make this time of year different and many lose sight of our needs and preferences in our pull to please others. Insert… the need to set boundaries. 

So why are the holidays somehow different when setting boundaries? There are likely a number of reasons. Holidays come with a level of expectation—expectations around what they “should” look like and what they “should” feel like. We all know how social media and advertising feed into this. This leads us to spend more money, do things we don’t want to do, or, as stated above, lose sight of what brings us joy.

Holidays Can Feel Tricky

Also, holidays may not be all jolly for everyone. This time of year can be extraordinarily difficult, leading to more vulnerability. Vulnerability can lead us to isolate or distract us from accessing all of our tools. Setting boundaries is much harder to do in this state. Nostalgia can also be a factor. With nostalgia comes a desire for things to be the same as they were or possibly even an emphasis on wishing they were different. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t just about what the holidays look like. It also might be advocating to remove certain topics up for discussion, asking to attend different events, or simply saying “no”. 

For those of us who would benefit from added boundaries this holiday season, here are some tips that might make delivering those boundaries a little easier. Marsha Linehan’s DBT skill DEARMAN was created to help with effective communication. It is often my go-to when supporting folks in setting boundaries in their lives, regardless of the topic or time of year. This is just a tool to guide the boundary-setting discussion.

Tips on How to Set Boundaries

Describe – when you simply state the facts and set up the conversation topic.

Express – insert those ever so popular “I statements”. Own your feelings. 

Assert – this is when you want to be crystal clear on what you are asking for

Reinforce – communicate what you notice the other person doing or has done in the past to show you support

Mindful – stay on course and remain aware of what you are doing, feeling, etc. Don’t get distracted!

Appear Confident- own it! You deserve to have your requests heard.

Negotiate – have alternative options ready that will still allow you to have your boundaries upheld.

Wherever this season finds you, our invitation is to not forget about you.  Support your vision of what you would like your holidays to look like, not what your Grandmother always did or what your Pinterest page says it should look like. But by all means, if those visions are similar to yours…and that brings you joy, then make it happen! The point here is to put your needs and wants forward and empower yourself to follow through. If you are in San Diego and looking for support from your therapist this holiday season, contact us to schedule a consultation.

Happy Boundaries!

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